With twenty four to Christmas I opened window one Little could I have guessed the journey I'd begun The plethora of printed gifts this advent brought to me A one-a-day of wonder, a festive one-two-three... A snowman waving merrily, a carrot for his nose A penguin in the snow who's frozen right down to his toes A little bit of holly, two leaves to call a sprig A single unique snowflake, but blown up really big A sock hung from a bended nail awaiting Santa time A pair of golden ding dong bells aching for to chime A giant sack of presents wrapped and ready for the sleigh A rum soaked, fun soaked Christmas pud ready to flambe A classic yanky candy cane circled with a bow Santa popping up from leaving presents down below A reindeer's nose a-poking round to see what he can see A cracker having cracked away, oh save the hat for me A happy looking reindeer's head and standing next to that A cuddly little teddy bear who's stolen Santa's hat Then present one and present two and coming very quick A cheeky mouse who's carrying a lantern on a stick A wreath of green to hang upon the door into my home The ice house of an innuit, a tube stuck to a dome A snowman swiftly sledding down, let's hope that he can stop A fresh fir tree all tinsel wrapped, a star right at the top Now someone's put the Christmas cake upon the sled to ride A pair of not-quite-empty boots, a robin hides inside A pair of mismatched candles that will light you to your door A yule log crowned with holly, and that makes twenty four And then the greatest bounty that a calender can bring Sod the lords a-leaping and your umpteen golden rings There's a chocolate and a chocolate and a chocolate and a chocolate And a chocolate and a chocolate and a chocolate and a chocolate And a chocolate and a chocolate and a chocolate and a chocolate And a chocolate and a chocolate and a chocolate and a chocolate And a chocolate and a chocolate and a chocolate and a chocolate And a chocolate and a chocolate and a chocolate and a chocolate And we're there! Merry Christmas!

I've been feeling pretty blue, so much shopping left to do With cards to write and presents still to wrap This endless festive stress always leaves me in a mess Frankly, Christmas always leaves me feeling...rubbish I think I'll give Christmas a miss I'll submit to my cowardice If I lie in my bed, if I bury my head If I tell all my friends I'm in Bali instead I'll pretend that I'm not really here And I won't let them interfere Mates will appear bearing seasonal cheer But I'm skipping Christmas this year It's not that I'm lonely, It's not that I'm sad It's not that the singing has driven me mad It's not that I'm poor and it's not that I'm cheap It's just that I'd rather still be asleep I'm sick of enforcement of holiday fun It just makes me want to reach for my gun I'm sick of the sherry, I'm sick of cranberries I'm sick of the one week that people say merry And as for the turkey I'm sick to the teeth Of black on the outside and raw underneath And I simply abhor the Christmas decor But a noise from outside made me open my door And I could see snow falling by the streetlights And though it looked yellow I knew it was white And all was well and all was just right And I heard the choir swell as they sang Silent Night, Holy Night And I realised that I was being an idiot. There are loads of great things about Christmas. It's the one time of the year when you get to eat as much as you like, and drink as much as you like, when you truly have nothing you're supposed to be doing except eating as much as you like, and drinking as much as you like. There's mistletoe and if I lost the mistletoe I'll miss being kissed So I'm loving this Christmas time I'll bring the pies and the wine I find it quite shocking that this boy was blocking The idea of hanging for Santa a stocking I won't be a Grinch and I won't be a Scrooge And the bird that I cook for my folks will be huge So bring on the beer and the yuletide cheer ‘Cause I'm loving Christmas this year

This is the songsheet song Everybody sing along Feels so good it can't be wrong Ring the bells out Ding Dong

On a rainy Thursday evening when you’ve worked all through the day And all you’re looking forward to is home and takeaway Your boss has said tonight’s the night for letting your hair down And now you are expected to join a night out on the town But who wants to go to the office Christmas party? Where everyone dresses up and pretends to be tarty I’d rather take up extreme naturist karate There must be 50 ways to leave the party You could tell them you need to go to see some relation You need to be home to feed your lonely Dalmatian Your ears are allergic to strong vibration Say that there is no way to get transportation You could say you’ve booked a flight to a far off location Party animal isn’t part of your occupation Claim diarrhoea or maybe constipation Or even the effects of a surprise amputation Say you’re not done with rehabilitation Mandatory Christmas is racial discrimination You shouldn’t be out after hours for their preservation Due to your problem with public defecation You need to finish a tricky incantation The press could interfere with your ordination You’ll instead donate your drinks to an African nation You’re busy finding slaves for your granddad’s plantation Your wife said if you were late it would be castration You’re currently enjoying voluntary starvation Say your legs are covered with an insect infestation Provide them with the necessary documentation Say you disagree with the venue’s elevation Or that you’ve heard the whole place needs a thorough fumigation You need to get to hospital in time for your sedation Go into a trance of extreme yogic meditation Be discovered in the throes of auto erotic asphyxiation Tell them that your babysitter’s given cancellation Worry about the levels of polonium radiation Let slip of some fiendish fictitious deviation Tell them that you lack the necessary qualification Ask them if they’ve considered every possible ramification Parties tend to bring about your unwelcome lactation Hide inside the ducts they use for office ventilation You must be at home to help in natural procreation Accidentally misconstrue the party location You must cause the seasonal tintinnabulation Fake a news report of nuclear annihilation Tell them you’ll be there but only as misinformation Denounce alcohol as being an abomination Dress in black and claim you’ve an important assassination If all else fails consider maybe Swedish emigration Turn your face bright blue by refusing exhalation When the clock strikes five perform self defenestration You’ve lovefilmed every doctor who with a regeneration Punch your boss quite hard in your obvious vexation Let’s face it you can’t take the utter humiliation As everybody knows you suffer excessive perspiration Would you like to see my power point presentation Containing more ideas for just this situation? And if you’re sitting there still in utter desperation Come up with something better from your imagination Tell them the most elaborate explanation Anything to distract from the coming detonation Fifty on one rhyme leaves me thinking I’m a smarty Oh who wants to go to the office Christmas party